Why I woke up 28 & ate chicken for the first time in 5 years.

 

I woke up today...
The day after my 28th birthday...

A new chapter is dawning..
I ate Chicken for the first time today in 5 years.

I was honest with myself and the things that used to excite me, no longer.

I didn't meditate, I threw out my self help books, and cancelled a self help course I was going to attend.

Something is different.

It is scaring the shit out of me.


The new found identities I could see I was latching onto once stepping 'on the spiritual path' are now shattering.... I ask myself, who the fuck am I without all these concepts, modalities, angel cards, vegan diet, (belief systems) ... They are all just another distraction.... another illusion to break through...

I see my ego desperately still trying to grasp onto them... but soul is letting go way stronger of a force...
I am seeing things so clearer - that it doesn't actually matter what we are doing, its how we do it. Just because we may dress up in a 'spiritual' costume, still the undercurrents of our 'previous' life may still be playing out. Same story, different costume, different more 'spiritually' approved HIGH we are latching onto...

You see we can go from vodka shots to wheat grass shots, from snorting cocaine to snorting shamanic snuff ha-pe, from acid trips to ayaushca trips, from seeking happiness in our material possessions, to seeking happiness in our spiritual possessions. It is all the same, the undercurrent that is driving us is the same... That being the undercurrent of seeking an identity externally to latch onto, to make us feel good, worthy, loved. This is the spiritual trap, we must be so aware of, and not let our ignorance blind us.

We are not the body, and we are not in control.

By believing these things, we are staying bound in our suffering life after life. By thinking we have control over our lives, by thinking our body is who we are. By identifying with our 'expressions' binds us to suffering ... We can surely play with these expressions and different costumes, but they should not be mistaken for who we are at our core. Who we are at our core, is the awareness watching this entire script of life being played out. When we realise this, we truly know ourselves. When we realise this, we no longer seek for the external measure of success, or identity. But in realizing this, we are letting go. We are dying a death of false sense of self, and this is the most painful death we are fearful of; so of course we turn a blind eye and continue our lives in the fake smiles & latching onto temporary pleasures, and doing everything we can to avoiding pain. The body dies, the soul does not. This is the potent wisdom the Goddess Kali brings to us... she sees through the illusion with one slice of her sword.
It made me laugh at how funny this all is; the irony. And watching the veils of my own ignorance play out....


I am interested in liberation, for sure.
But I know that this doesn't actually have to look like safron robes & mala beads...For some yes, for some liberation could come through living an 'ordinary' life. We are all just here doing what we gotta do..... until we come back again in a new body to learn what needs further clarification & understanding...

Today, the day after my 28th birthday,

I surrender. I am open to putting on the next costume in the next scene of the play.... I trust the guidance of existence itself to show me the way, to point me in the direction of what will lead to more veils to be broken down, to realise and remember who I truly am. I am interested in what stirs my soul, what makes me stop and wonder, what ends my search for MORE. I am interested in liberation, and hold no attachment to how that unfolds.... In what costume it wants me to put on.