"Why can't I find a partner that I have sex, heart & mind connection with?"
Is the million dollar question that I hear so many people frustrated by.
Myself is one of them!
I'm still on my self love journey, pulling down the barriers around my own heart. And relationships are a fantastic opportunity for reflection for us to see those parts that are not yet loving & accepted within us.
In my experience, and I know many others experience ~ I find myself pulling in men from either my base chakras - intense sexual chemistry ~ yet little or no other connection in heart or mind. Or pulling them in from the heart strings, a beautiful flourishing heart connection, with ZERO desire below the belt. Or just on a mind level - amazing witty intellectual conversations, but not much heart stuff going on and little sexual attraction.
We all yearn for love & a deep connection on all levels with our partner ~ sex, heart & mind ~ and we are all worthy of having this! So often we get annoyed that we keep attracting either from one level but not the full trifecta.
However, it has absolutely nothing to do with the partners we attract! It 100% all comes back to us.
The way I see it is, perhaps we do actually have the potential to get the tri-fecta (sex, heart, mind) connection with those that we feel only drawn to in one or two aspects, yet we unconsciously might be shutting down that one part that is missing, as a defense mechanism - a way to unconsciously protect ourselves from getting hurt. Or our sneaky self saboteur might be working its evil magic and sending out unconscious thoughts "You don't deserve all three, your not worthy of love, blah blah blah", the usual sneaky limiting belief devils.
I know this because - it is what I know I do & have looked really closely at this pattern that keeps playing out.
As we all know, patterns keep coming back to us until we finally learn the lessons needed there.
Every relationship we encounter is a pure reflection of where we are at, and what parts of ourselves are not yet healed or fully accepted and loved.
All I can speak of is from personal experience here; and from the relationships stuff I have learnt from my Sexuality & Tantra work. But ever since my first heart break at 22, where my heart literally got shattered into a million pieces. Since then, when I find myself really connecting to a partner on a heart and mind level, I 9 times out of 10, feel no sexual attraction. I try and try and force myself to feel some sort of sexual pull, but it just never happens. And after feeling this pattern play out time after time I know it is a deep wounding around my heart, fear of abandonment, fear of getting hurt by someone I could potentially absolutely fall in love with again on all levels and actually become deeply intimate with, and run the risk of getting so damn hurt, again. So I shut off my sexual energy from them, as a protection mechanism.
The other side of the coin, the boyfriends & girlfriend, I have had full on sexual chemistry with and mind connection, I have again, not FULLY opened up my heart completely to them; again in fear of abandonment, rejection, the usual.
And looking at the partners we attract from this space, it is often they are missing that link we are missing too.. So further to validate our silly mind story that 'You are not worthy of love'. They are also unavailable, on some level. And again, it is not them, it all comes back to us! We attract unavailable, because we are unavailable to ourselves.
We are unavailable to ourselves fully, by reserving a part of us, not letting our entire vulnerable selves be seen by another.
It is not just women that are scared of getting hurt, men are equally afraid.
For the past 7 months I have shared with a man; a deep friendship, a beautiful connection heart and mind together. We could easily go there. Yet he shuts his sexual desire off from me, as a fearful protection over really opening up to me. on all levels. He cannot seem to understand that he can have a heart connection and feel sexual at the same time, some sort of judgement of his primal sexual desires.
For many men heart & penis connection don't seem they go in the same sentence. So many men shut off from one or the other. Again as a protection mechanism. I see this happen time after time, and many men in fact ask me about this Can I be in my heart while having a sexual attraction to a woman. The answer is YES!
I know I speak about men here, but women are also subject to this behaviour. We are actually more similar than we think.
It is as the Sufi poet Rumi says "Your task is not to seek for love but to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it".
Again, all of this comes back to self love.
These encounters along our journey, these relationships, are lessons for us to show us a clear reflection of where we are at; and if there are still any niggling barriers around our own hearts.
And of course, how are we meant to fully give love, and receive love if we do not yet fully love ourselves first?
So please I encourage you all beautiful men and women to not project out to the opposite sex, the reason why you cannot find your soul mate is because of the collective failure of that gender. It has nothing to do with them. It all comes back to you. The moment you realise this... and see what is holding onto your heart from fully opening to love of your self first then another... the magic will unfold and soul mate will appear when and where you least expect it.
I know I am still breaking down the barriers around my heart; but it is a beautiful process to witness. So be gentle, on yourself in the process.
Much love to all. xx