So something really interesting has been on my mind the past 6 or so months, but moreso intensely of late. I am not sure if it is something to do with my Saturn Return beginning in February or what (its always good to blame it on something else right).
But, I have been having tri weekly identity crisis’.
You see, I am turning 29 soon, and deep somewhere in my conditioning and expectation of ‘who I am’ or ‘who I was meant to be’ is that by 29/30 I should have ‘got my shit together’ or ‘accomplished something extravagant’.
I did not chose the marriage/children path, rather my 20s have been dedicated to my inner relationship, travelling the globe, exploring my inner & outer realms and with that, my child and sole responbility has been my business.
My ‘goal’ has always been to build a health retreat centre. And I have not yet accomplished that. If I hadn’t done that I would have expected to have a child or a husband by now. And I haven’t accomplished that either.
So I have been left countless times these past months, completely feeling like I am a failure. I have not accomplished what I said I was going to or what I expected to. I feel I have failed at life.
As an extremely high achiever all my life, partly enforced by my mothers ‘high expectations of me’ (god bless her); it has been interesting because with that comes huge motivation and belief in myself (I literally am so confident I can do anything), yet the other side of the equation is the expectations and pressure I consequently put on myself. My belief is, if I am doing something amazing = I am loved.
And, if I am just me, I am insignificant, aka not loved.
So there is this constant battle going on inside me, disappointment, frustration, depression.
I am slowly having to sit in this place of, being okay with actually feeling like a failure. With actually having to show up with who I am, vs what I am ‘doing’.
The greatest healing actually came last weekend, where I admitted to my mother I actually feel I have failed. Deep down, it has always been her approval I have been seeking. And always upholding this image of ‘success’ and that ‘I know exactly what I am doing/where I am going’ – when in reality, I have no fucking clue. So to actually admit this to her, felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders and heart.
I am done with external validation.
I am deeply having to look at and question, what truly makes me happy.
I found worth in being this adventurous traveller, who was always out and about; trekking around the globe. That was my identity; I seemed really ‘exciting’ to others, and yes, my life was exciting. I built my business to support that lifestyle, which I am so proud of, but really the undercurrents were I see now, to gain approval, to seem unique, and thus get love.
By no means do I regret these past 10 years, it has been incredible! However, I am seeing now, the deeper undercurrents motivating my actions. And I wish to let go of them, the need to be ‘somebody special’.
I deeply wanted to be famous, and rich. Basically I want to be seen, and valued for who I am. So I am now committing to observing in my life where I am actually experiencing this from those closest to me. It is extremely humbling and way more rewarding.
So where I am at is wanting to be moved deeply from within.
I am committing to humbling myself. And sharing from a place of pureness, and absolute not giving a fuck how it is received. Also no longer being so identified with ‘what I am doing’ as a sense of my ‘value’ to live on this planet.
I came to this realization the other day, that I could go and work in a corner shop, and still be happy. This is what shits me about all this spiritual self development stuff, this need to ‘be your best version of you’… this implies you are not okay now. That you need to strive to be better, than now which is not good. When really, the accepting and just being happy in the moment is the real self development.
I am not saying we aren’t all destined for greatness, but we need to really stop and redefine greatness and success. It is not being an image of health, a celebrity, a millionaire, having a family, or a retreat centre. To me, success is simply doing something .. anything you love, and most importantly being a kind person. These are the real riches.
I always come back to my travels to the east. The people of India and Bali embody this. They are not identified with their ‘job’, they know this life is just one of an illusion, they will come back again and again life after life. So they value relationships, family, community. They do things that need to be done in the community, for the exchange of money – whether that is driving a taxi, or running the local café, or distributing and growing fruits and vegetables.
They see us as mad; and I am now seeing this too, more clearly.
I am fully committing to letting go of being ‘someone special’. We are all equals, if someone is more special, it creates separation. And as all the spiritual jargon says, separation is the root of misery – it is true. It sucks that in the west our entire society thrives on this bullshit, even in the spiritual circles, the latest spiritual teachers are seen as the new famous celebrity God figures, it is madness. Same story as Hollywood, different costumes.
A true “spiritual” teacher is humble, my greatest teachers were not gurus, they were every day people; children, animals, the kind man who drove me around Bali, my neighbor in India, my boyfriend.