Recently I broke out in a bizarre spread of sores all over my body. They started on my leg. Then moved up to my arms and underarms, then chest & a few on my face. Some Naturopaths suggested it was a skin infection called impedigo (commonly known as 'school sores').
Whatever the hell it was, it slapped me around the face and back.
Thankfully now it is cleared, but the lessons it brought up for me were incredible, astounding & transformative to say the least.
This is a highly infectious skin condition, and thus I was forced to isolate myself. Deprived of touch / human contact for a bit.
My boyfriend, couldn't even kiss me because I had a sore showing up above my lip. To comfort me with a hug was risky. Sleeping in the same bed was risky. And definitely NO to love making.
I broke when I went to a healer to get some bodywork done & she even said NO I cannot touch you. Hence that is exactly the healing that I found myself going to the 'healing' session for.
I remember these feelings.
I had a history of ACNE in my early 20's, which had me revisiting the exact same core soul issues.
Feeling isolated, feeling alone, feeling as though there is something wrong with me, and most importantly - creating a massive protective barrier around me.
This time it has come back at divine timing, yet again when life is literally asking more from me. I am finding myself being thrust out of my 'comfort zone' of hiding isolated and 'safe' in the Forrest, in my safety bubble, and stepping out into my community and sharing myself, being seen, committing to life and being accountable.
This is my growth edge, and its painful & beautiful all at once.
My body knows this, hence it had to manifest this freaky skin condition to reinforce this lesson. I love the wisdom of the body.
In my relationship - I found myself having to give more of the REAL me, not just the sensual, sexual, physically beautiful me that I can often hide behind. I was asked to show up more and GIVE more of my true essence , beyond the physical body shell. No making love for 2 weeks, was painful, a core belief that men only want that from me / where my value lies, was absolutely shattered.
This is soul terrifying, to feel loved for just being me.
To my partner I am eternally grateful for holding a space for me & loving me into this realisation.
My current situation is reflecting back to me; to step deeper into more of my deepest yearnings. A beautiful nourishing relationship, supportive community, a home filled with love, grounding into my lifes work, co creating with my partner, and also transitioning from maiden to mother, into a 'step mother role'; to my partners children.
These are the areas of my life that I so deeply yearn for. Yet have avoided, because I know the pain that can be associated if it is to be taken from me or fail. Hence I have managed to create my life one of avoidance of all the above.
It is quite ironic, because these are areas of most peoples lives that are 'safe'; and what I have lived appears to be risk taking & wild ... But for me, the risk taking wild gypsy life is my safety zone, because I can avoid intimacy, avoid committing to a community & risk being not received or liked, avoid hurt of heart ache, by being absolutely non attached to anything at all ... For me delving into areas of my deepest yearnings, which are actually not that "exciting or extravagant" on the exterior, is MASSIVELY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.
So here I find myself, life is screaming at me to give more of me. The REAL me.
The most scary place I have been in thus far on this crazy journey.