Why my Eating Disorder was the Gateway for my Spiritual Spiral


In light of this cosmic pull to speak our truth, today on the blog I am getting honest. Real honest. Today, I am revealing a part of my journey that has not yet been explored in much depth. So here goes ~ to be completely honest, along with my history of depression, I simultaneously suffered from years of an Eating Disorder. Bulimia, Anorexia, Calorie Counting, Self Loathing, Poor Body Image, Yo-Yo dieting, you name it, I've been there.

I spent years and years seeking externally for my happiness. I felt as though I had absolutely no control over my life, and the only aspect I could control was essentially my weight, and how I appeared to the external world. I was miserable and completely disconnected from myself. I was hungry, hungry for a sense of connectedness to the core of who I was, to my truth. I was never satisfied with how I looked, even though I was a mere 45kg at my lowest point. It was never 'good enough' in my eyes.

Until one day I hit rock bottom. And as most of us know who have been there, when we hit rock bottom. The only way to go is up.

In the east 'illness' on any level, be it mental or physical ~ is considered our first gateway ... inwards. It makes complete sense. Depending on what school of alternative medicine modality you look at, they all lead to one end conclusion, that is:

~ On the spiritual level, illness, literally forces us to go within.

My eating disorder, my depression, my suffering, was my ticket in. It was the gateway inwards. It was the gateway to healing and connecting to that which I am, that which is pure and ever changing.

So to put it all into perspective, I figured the first thing I could do for myself was learn about nutrition. And this is so often the first gateway into healing for many. Food and the human psychology is a fascinating correlation and it is often our first gateway into something much deeper, which has turned out the case for me. In order to heal my wounds around what I thought was educating myself about nutrition, has led me to much much more. That which is my spiritual path. That which is my truth seeking quest inwards, to healing, in order to heal the greater good of humanity, raising collective consciousness and bringing about positive change.

We do have the choice however ~  as ultimately it is up to us if we chose to, as one of my teachers put it 'go down the rabbit hole'. Down the spiritual spiral, down the spiral to uncovering what these illnesses are here to force us to do.

That is ~ To go within and connect to all that is real. And that is love. Divine love, the purity of who we truly are.

The western medical system looks upon mental illnesses (and illnesses in general) like depression, anxiety, eating disorders as a disease that can be simply fixed by messing with your hormones and serotonin levels; and this is absolute B.S. I have been there, on meds yes. And I was swung even more far from attached to myself than before I went on the meds. Detached, and consequently even more depressed. Yeah sure I was numb from feeling pain, numb from even feeling happy. I was a mellow, hollow, detached soul ~

A teacher of mine recently said to me the way we are going evolutionary "We are either on the bus, or we are going to get hit by it". Essentially, we are either on this path of evolutionary change, or we will too eventually be struck by illness, that hits us in the face, and forces us inwards to get back on the bus.

By no means am I saying I am completely healed, no way. I am a humble; and on a mission to keep peeling back layer by layer, what this catalyst in the form of mental illness has come to me to force me into something much deeper. Each layer that is uncovered reveals a deeper understanding of myself and the connectedness to the universe at large; in an attempt to stay on the bus; and inspire and understand why others aren't too on the bus and help them to also get on and let their own unique lights, talents and gifts shine.

In my eBook The Goddess Diet ~ Eat Live Love Authentically & Intuitively, I share tools that helped me take this first plunge out of rock bottom. Things that pulled my ass out of the shrink's office and onto the Yoga mat. Nuggets of wisdom that gently allowed me to peel back the layers of B.S that were clouding me and disconnecting me from connecting inwards, and thus relying on my happiness from external forces, vs. internally.

So I will leave you with a little wisdom around Body Care, as we are on the topic:

Your body is an instrument, that, when well tuned, emanates greater harmony. Your spirit is like the grand piano, and it is asked that you maintain that piano.
— Doreen Virtue