I love the cycle of death and rebirth.
Reflecting upon death; has actually been the theme of 2015. Spending the first half of this year living in a Tantra Ashram in India (Shri Kali Ashram). An Ashram led by Goddess Kali; the Goddess of death & destruction, what could I have expected. Her brutal-ness of wild fierce love always has led me to radical experiences.
This article was sparked after a few conversations with participants on the Kundalini Tantra Yoga Retreat I recently co-hosted here in Bali, with the theme being a lot around; 'who am I, without all that I am offering in the world, if I am not anyone of significance?'.
The absolute un-ease that comes with feeling, purpose-less, low in motivation, lost & confused, can be the source of so much of our small minded misery.
This is what I faced this year. Facing absolute crumbling to nothing.
From my time at the Ashram being surrounded by like minded community. Living in a culture where no one gave a shit where I came from, what I had studied, how I pretty I looked, what I had accomplished in my life. Purely interested in me as an equal being, seeing through my bullshit, my masks & insecurities, with absolute love of course; was terrifying and liberating all at once.
Each day on & off the mat, was a sitting before the Goddess Kali (within me); being brutally honest with myself; really looking at myself, stalking my shadows, the lies I convinced myself of, the personas I had again latched onto as a new found identity. Jeez!
A HUGE part of me died this year. Spending majority of this year, refraining from putting out any major offerings, 'being of service', or 'creating' - I simply sat in the feeling of sheer terror of "being okay with being a no-body; who may never accomplish anything".
"Fuck!! No that is not how my life is meant to be! I have high hopes, huge dreams, I am on a mission to change the world god dammit!" Was what my egos rampage would convince me of. However the trap in this is, my self worth was so dictated by what I am doing. And as always, in our own self critical opinion, will never EVER be good enough. So we find ourselves in a self perpetuating wheel of misery, never truly satisfied.
What I had to experience, was being okay with being no-body, essentially dying to my ego. To not get away with my usual seduction behaviours, and what has worked for me most of my life; to get attention, to be liked, to feel like I am somebody or someone of importance. Every day was such agony! Its like the feeling you get from your own mother, who lovingly slaps you across the face to wake up to the bullshit you have been convincing yourself of.
From this place of death, to now realise, whatever births through me now, is enough; and to know my true essence, as not dependent on anything external, allows me to serve from pure joy & love; not caring if anyone responds; or how much attention, followers, likes etc I get from it.
From death, comes rebirth. The cycle of life is in this constant motion, every moment, cells are dying in our bodies, making way for new cells to be birthed. Animals die, humans die, plants die, to create and birth the new world. La Petite Mort - the little death 'orgasm' - similarly each time we orgasm, a part of us dies, as we gain a glimpse of nirvana, our true nature of bliss & ecstasy and all that is blocking that realisation begins to die & make way for the birth of new aligned.
This is why we are addicted to orgasm, we have a glimpse and a short cut to ego death (bliss). We momentarily die to the old, gain a glimpse of what it would be like to be in our fullest expression of 'I am enough just as I am, present in this moment'.
I actually have a personal mantra that I live by; every morning I wake up, thinking this actually could be my last day on earth - how would I spend it? Try it.... You may be surprised how the course of your day may radically shift.
Lets commit to 2016 being one gigantic orgasm.
Here is to many a La Petite Mort !!! Happy New Year.