Dancing in the 'Tantra' scene for the past 8 years, has shown me all different ways of relating. You see for me, my parents relationship was no basis to go by, if I ever wanted to be in a healthy love filled relationship. So I set out on an endeavor to seek out what a healthy relationship looked, and felt like, and have, like most of us fumbled along the way.
Exploring Tantra has been such a blessing in opening up all different aspects of relating, it has been like going to 'relationship school'.
Learning, how to actually love another person. How to actually love myself, first and foremost so I can truly be with a partner for the right reasons, not to fill a lack within myself. How to communicate, how to open up to more intimacy, how express my needs, how to hold space for a man. How to live in love, how to chose love as the core of everything. Have been the most important leanings I am forever grateful for.
However, many people, often assume; because I practice Tantra that I am poly-amorous. For those that may not be familiar with this term, it means being in a sexual relationship with more than one person.
To me, Tantra doesn't mean multiple lovers. For some yes, but for me no. Tantra is a broad term for love & life itself. So if that is what tickles your fancy then that is absolutely fine. But because Tantra is a path of liberation, and walking your own path, maybe many on that path realise the monogamous lifestyle is not for them. Which is fine.
I know I am not into multiple partners because I have been there & it doesn't work for me personally. A partner I had many years ago, suggested the option of Polyamory. I was really freaked out, it brought up all my jealousy issues, control issues, possessive issues. My initial reaction was HELL NO, see ya later. But as the conditioning I had began to broke down, I intuitively felt, yeah you know what I'll give it a try; I felt it was going to be good for me to really break through my insecurities.
So as I set my heart and mind onto this, I embraced it fully. I found this dance with it, and sense of freedom in it. However, it only got me so far.
It was like I was just living on the surface, having a sample; as opposed to devouring the full meal. I felt every opportunity I had to go deeper with my primary partner, I would retract because, well blatantly, I just didn't feel safe to do so. It was confusing & there was way too much unnecessary drama. But mainly, I didn't feel safe.
I realise my form of 'tantra' is monogamy. Coming to my own truth, which arose from the experiences I have had with its polar opposite, has left me realizing, that type of relating is not for me.
I realised why I fully began to embrace it so much at the time; was because I felt 'somewhat safe' in the fact that: "well if one guy leaves me, I have the others as back ups". And that realisation I now see was purely based upon fear, fear of abandonment.
The ironic thing is, the partner I had who suggested polyamory; also admitted his same motivations for polyamory. Fear of abandonment. It was good to at least be honest about it.
No judgements on polyamory at all, but from my experience, it has also been a journey with being okay with one person actually wanting to love me. Feeling worthy of one person actually wanting to love just me? "Surely you don't want to just love me???" (was my story).
I feel when I was in the poly-amorous mindset, I would look at monogamous couples and think 'oh they are so boring, and confined'. I couldn't imagine you could be happy with just one person? I remember when I was 20 my best friends parents divorced, who I looked to as the 'ideal couple', they seemed so happy & really connected.... that was a critical point in me losing faith in relationships and love.
So because of my constant being let down, I began reiterating externally that relationships cannot work with just one person, by constantly manifesting situations/partners to affirm that belief. But in that I knew deep in my heart, my deepest yearning was to be loved just by one man, me to love him. Each relationship fail, and disappointment kept reiterating my belief 'I am unlovable & relationships are doomed'.
Today, I see myself in a deeply loving committed monogamous relationship with my current partner. To get to this point, all that unraveling and explorations were necessary, (for me). The moment I surrendered to actually being honest with what I deeply wanted from a relationship, as painful as that was to admit "I actually just want a committed relationship with one man" - was the moment he literally walked into life.
I am intense, I like depth, deep connections. I see my one relationship as a container for radical growth, with the constant mirror being reflected to me. I see my one relationship as a container for our love for each other to be the fuel for us to show up in service and love to our individual soul paths & to all that we meet. I now understand that freedom actually comes from this depth of love, not the other way around. I have never once felt confined or controlled by being with my man, because we have a depth of trust & commitment in one another & the relationship, which offers freedom to be honest.
Tantra is a path of radical honesty.
If you like samples, devour as many samples as you can!!! Do it with full devotion and heart. And if you like the full gourmet, 5 course meal, devour with full devotion & heart also.
There is no 'right or wrong' in this life, its your life - just be honest with what you really want & own it.
I love you all. xxx