Embracing the Shadow ~ the Essence of Tantric Relationship

Relationships are the ripe playground for our shadow self to finally get an expression.

What is our 'Shadow'? It is the aspects of self that are hidden deep in the subconscious, that we may not 'favour', when we deny these aspects of self, we are denying a part of our power & wholeness. Along the path to wholeness and happiness, we must learn to love not only our 'favourable' aspects of us, but also our 'unfavourable'.

To identify a 'shadow' is usually indicative of something that triggers you in another. When we are in a deeply committed relationship, we begin to see a daily mirror of the person we so deeply love, yet also a mirror of those aspects we may not favour. When the mirror is constantly being reflected back, we can either keep running away, or face it and learn to love these parts of us... of all of us.

When our shadows begin to rear, is usually this is when the 'honeymoon' begins to fade away. The person we 'fell in love with' starts to begin to show signs of 'unattractive' behaviours - jealousy, insecurity, fears, shame, guilt... The true essence of sacred relationships is to have consciousness around this - and begin to LOVE ALL aspects that are being reflected back to us...

When we begin to bring awareness to our shadows, and shine the spotlight on them, in relationships, we can love these aspects of self and our beloved, so to cultivate more unconditional love & transformational growth. Bringing honour to our beloved relationship for providing us the safe space to grow these parts of self.

When we first meet someone, their can be nothing wrong they can do. It is as if we have rose tainted glasses on, that filter everything into beauty. THIS is beautiful, and THIS should apply for ALL aspects that continue to present themselves before us in this divine reflection called our 'beloved'. However... easier said than done.

I truly believe most couples give up once the shadows begin to come out to play. There is little awareness or tools available on how to actually navigate these realms. It can be excruciatingly painful, as its hard enough to love the good aspects of self, but when we have a constant mirror reflecting back to us the aspects we may not like about ourselves, which is essentially what we REALLY need to be focusing on loving & growing... it can be quite painful.

How do we navigate the shadow?

First, we identify.

What are the qualities about our partner that trigger us? Those qualities you just wish they never had, 'If they didn't have x quality they would be perfect'.... Re-word ... and reflect this statement back to self 'If i didn't have this certain quality I would be perfect'.... Is what we are really trying to say. And the truth is we are perfect in all our greatness and all our imperfections. So by first identifying the patterns, behaviours or traits that annoy or trigger us in our partner, we get to see what aspects of ourselves we are not accepting fully.

Create a dialogue with your shadowy aspects

Once you have identified your shadows, begin to create a relationship with it. Ask it what it needs? Maybe a quality you dislike about your partner/self is 'neediness'.... Ask what this 'neediness' needs ? Maybe it needs time each day to be seen. Once we give our shadow what it needs, it begins to come into the light and no longer be our shadow because its rising out of the dark... and essentially can dissolve & become our powerful friend.

Let your shadows run wild together

Once you have identified some of your shadows, sitting with your partner and speaking from them, give them a voice and let them fully express. So if one of your shadows is jealousy.... let that jealous demon have its say.. unfiltered... let your partner hold space for this and see if they can come to LOVE this part of you.... and if you can LOVE this part of you... This can be extremely challenging.

These are some simple starters to raising awareness around our shadows. There is no better place to explore these with a beloved in a sacred and conscious way. Love is the most powerful energy on the planet, so in sacred relationship, Tantra, we see these connections as the most potent space to grow our souls, because the love we share needs and wants nothing else than to purify us of all that is not love.


We will be exploring & dedicating an entire day to Sacred Shadows in our upcoming Couples Tantra Retreat, hosted by my beloved Yemaya and Myself. To find out more about

'The Ceremony - Kundalini Yoga & Tantric Couples Retreat in Bali' ~ please CLICK HERE.